Uzzard:  Shakespearean:  a third-generation bastard; a bastard by a bastard out of a bastard.

Coprolitic:  composed of coprolite – fossilized dinosaur dung

Today, I received the following thing, in this copy of which I have disabled all URLs that might lead the innocent into danger. I replied to it,

“If you ever again send me such a despicable deception, I won’t leave enough of you to pray over.”

August 26, 2009

Dear Barking Unicorn,

I may have a project for you …

I’m getting ready to launch the new Wealthy Web Writer website, and I need a sign-up page, thank you page, auto-responder series consisting of five emails, and two bonus reports written for the e-letter signup.

How much will you charge?

Wait! Don’t answer yet!

There are many variables you need to consider before naming your fee.

And it’s perfectly acceptable before striking a price, to let the client (in this case me) know you’ll get back to them after you’ve evaluated the scope of the project.

So now that you’re not answering on the fly, you have time to sit back and look at the project from six important angles …

First up, what does your self-marketing strategy look like?

If you’re just starting out and are looking to build up your portfolio, it may make sense to charge a little less. You’ll be able to acquire a lot of samples, and quickly warrant higher fees by proving that you can deliver results.

On the other hand, if you’re a seasoned online copywriter with more work than you can handle, you should be working your way up the pay scale. You can afford to raise your rates with current clients, and go after new clients who will pay you higher fees.

Now once you’ve got your intention down, it’s time to look at the project itself. Have you done a project like this before?

How much experience do you have writing this particular kind of web copy? Do you have any results that you can share with the client?

Quick tangent … but this is actually a really cool benefit of writing for the web that I want to point out …

If you’re worried about not having a lot of experience, don’t!

Thanks to the growth of online marketing over the past few years, more and more web projects are being introduced all the time.

So even though a competing web writer may have a fairly solid portfolio with a wide range of work, they still may have less “hands-on” experience writing for social media, blogs, emails, online videos, etc.

As a newbie, you can quickly get more experience than seasoned writers, and compete with them head-to-head in no time!

Ok, back to the pricing …

After considering your own experience, evaluate what the project is worth to the client.

Remember, this is why good web writers make so much money …

Because their clients make a lot of money! And the more money your web copy will potentially make for your client, the more bargaining power you have.

Next up, the size of your client. How big or small?

Are you writing copy for a Yoga Studio in Austin, or are you writing for NewsMax?

Now look at the length of the copy.

Is the landing page you’re writing for a coffee maker, or for an investment advisory service?

If it’s for the latter, the sale will most likely require much more copy, which means you’ll have to spend more of your valuable time writing it.

As you can see, one price will not fit all when it comes to web copy.

And finally, how long is it going to take you to write this copy?

With every project you price, estimate how much of time it will take you to complete. Then multiply the number of hours by an hourly rate you’re comfortable with.

And don’t charge less simply because you’ve become more efficient at what you do. As you perfect your web writing skills, the hours a project takes will go down. But that just means the price of each hour spent should go up!

You can see why very few web copywriters actually list how much they charge for their services. There are a lot of variables you need to first consider before naming your price.

At last year’s Bootcamp, I gave pricing ranges for some of the most common web projects you’ll be offered. Of course since then, the number of opportunities for web writers have exploded, and the variety of projects has almost doubled!

So this year I’m planning to introduce you to all of the new web opportunities out there, show you how to land them, and then help you price them accordingly.

If you’re going to be at Bootcamp, remember to send me an email or a tweet so that I know you’re coming. I’d like to make sure we have a chance to talk one-on-one so that I can learn what your goals are, and hopefully help you achieve them!

And if you haven’t signed up yet, do it now!

Bootcamp is well is over two-thirds full now, and with the early-bird discount ending on Monday, those remaining seats will fill up fast.

Fellow web writer Henry Bingaman originally told me he couldn’t make it, but then went ahead and signed up last week. I asked him what finally pushed him over and here’s what he told me:

“There are actually three reasons I decided to come to Bootcamp this year.”

“The Web Writing Intensive in Austin was the first live copywriting event I ever attended, and it completely launched my career. I’d probably still be working in my $20,000 a year airline job if I hadn’t gone … and Bootcamp has three times the number of unbelievable speakers.

The second is Dan Kennedy. When I got an email announcing that Dan Kennedy was going to be speaking at this year’s Bootcamp, I knew I couldn’t miss it. That’s like getting Michael Jordan coaching you in basketball. There’s no one in our industry that has more talent and knowledgeable than Dan Kennedy.

And the third was the payment plan that didn’t cost any extra. The three payments really made the decision affordable without breaking the bank. All I have to do is take on 1 or 2 extra projects and I can easily afford it. Plus, with the new skills I learn at Bootcamp, I’m counting on being able to go back to those extra clients I pick up and be able to offer more valuable (and more expensive) services to them.

And after all of that, there’s the job fair where I have the chance to walk away with enough work to immediately get a full return on my investment. I believe that in this economy, the only thing worth investing in is yourself. I’m counting on Bootcamp to pay dividends for years to come.”

Henry, that’s actually more than three reasons!

Between the incredible line-up of speakers, face-to-face interactions with the masters, clients looking to hire AWAI copywriters, learning what’s working now in the industry, and the networking with fellow attendees, Bootcamp is an opportunity that every copywriter needs to experience.

I hope to see you in November. And if you have any questions about this year’s event, feel free to email me directly!

To your web writing success,

Rebecca Matter
Managing Editor, Wealthy Web Writer
Follow me on Twitter: (redacted)

Do you know someone who would benefit from reading Wealthy Web Writer? Simply direct them to:

Last Friday, I emailed John Stafford of the bank’s Corporate Communications department to advise him that region manager Selene Hall had not done her job, nor he his. He replied only with a borrowed aphorism:

Find your faults,
feel deep regret and correct your mistakes,
reform sincerely,
practice kindness,
concentrate the mind,
sever selfishness,
Awaken …

~ The Buddha

I laughed and replied, “Namaste’!” But that didn’t sound quite like Siddhartha to me; he was not into fault-finding or regret. So I went Googling.

The aphorism originates from Heart of Buddha, a product of Amitaba Publications. I asked if the words were Gautama’s or another’s. Ven. Wuling, publisher, tells me,

“‘Heart’ contains wisdom from the Buddha and from my teacher, Ven. Master Chin Kung. I also wrote some of it. The quote you ask about is something I wrote.”

It’s not uncommon for things to be falsely attributed to The Buddha, or Mark Twain, or Loni Anderson, or Einstein. Stafford still deserves a bow for pointing me to a lovely source of dharma.

Stafford’s email address is of the unimaginative and insecure format firstname.lastname@bankofthewest.com. So I emailed region manager Selene Hall using that format, just a shot in the dark. I reminded her that I was awaiting her reply to my reply of last Friday.

She quickly responded, denying that the bank had said in its letters, as I summarized it, “pay up or we’ll close all your accounts and report you to the credit agencies”. So I asked her,

“Ms. Hall, If Bank of the West does not plan to close all my accounts and report me to the credit agencies, what does it plan to do if I do not pay these unwarranted fees by July 30?”

Oops. I meant August 31, the “end of the month” referenced in the letters. This whole thing started in July.

Haven’t heard back from Ms. Hall yet. Her note said, “This past week I have been in meetings all day.” I suppose that’s what region managers do, but if so why did she invite me to waste my time trying to return her phone call? When, exactly, will she find time to “discuss the situation with” me?

Do you see why I avoid the telephone when attempting to deal with corporate thralls?

There is no “good” or “evil”, but only ethically neutral “skillful” and “unskillful” means of pursuing Buddhism’s purpose: the elimination of suffering for one’s self and for all sentient beings. Does Google pursue this goal at all, never mind how skillfully?

No, it does not. Google is a corporation, a legal concept, not a sentient being. It does not know suffering or the elimination of suffering. A corporation exists for one purpose: to make its shareholders ever more money. Google exists solely to feed insatiable greed.

“To stop suffering, stop greediness. Greediness is a source of suffering,” said The Buddha. Ergo, Google’s sole purpose and all it does in pursuit of that purpose are completely unskillful means, for they are exactly the opposite of eliminating suffering. If opposing the elimination of suffering is evil, then Google is pure evil. (So is every corporation, by the way. All corporations exist for the same purpose.)

Google’s founders’ motto, “Don’t be evil”, may have arisen from naivete or cynical public relations cunning. I, and most people, will never know for sure because we will never look into the hearts of Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin, where the truth lies. The best we can do is look at Google’s actions in the world and judge them “good” or “evil”.

To judge Google, or anything else, we look at the effects of its actions. Here we run into difficulty judging, because from every action arise multiple effects which fall into both “good” and “evil” categories. Here are some examples of Google’s actions and their effects:

Action: Google has devoted enormous resources to weakening Microsoft’s strangehold on desktop operating systems and applications by giving computer users free alternatives to Microsoft products.

“Good” effects: Microsoft pressured to keep prices down; innovate; treat customers better because they can go elsewhere. Computer users enjoy greater freedom of choice, lower prices. Google shareholders make astonishing amounts of money.

“Bad” effects: Microsoft shareholders do not make as much money as they would like. (Well, you’d cry if you were a MS shareholder!) Computer users desert other software developers for free Google apps, and those other developers die. Google becomes something akin to Microsoft, a near-monopoly. Google inflames the suffering of greediness in its shareholders.

Action: Google indexes and makes cache copies of billions of Web pages.

“Good” effects: people can find things via Google. They can even find things that have been deleted from their host Web servers, preserving evidence of wrongdoing in some cases. Web sites can connect with their audiences more easily. Google even pays Web site operators through its Adsense program, supporting small businesses and entrepreneurship.

“Bad’ effects: people are found who do not want to be found. Information about all who use Google is stored on Google servers, where it can be subpoenaed by courts and seized by governments. In 2002, Google removed from its index links to an anti-Scientology Web site under legal pressure from the Church of Scientology, rendering that site hard to find for people who didn’t already know its URL. Google has obeyed government orders to turn over information about Google users which has led to suffering for those users. Is Google a law-abiding corporate citizen of those countries or a betrayer of human rights activists?

This is karma. Not the half-measure Pollyanna karma expressed in the silly notion, “what goes around, comes around”, but the full, terrifying, indifferently unmerciful karma of Chaos:

From every single action, no matter how “good” or “bad” one’s intentions, arise multiple effects both “good” and “bad”.

Karma is why bad things happen to good people, and why even a human being who perfectly follows Google’s motto will produce effects that others deem “evil”.

Google is neither friend nor foe, good or evil. It is a corporation that will do whatever furthers its purpose of feeding insatiable greed. Every one of Google’s actions will have multiple effects. Every one of those effects will be “good” for someone and “evil” for someone else.

There is no way to calculate the “net good or evil” of Google’s actions, for we canot know the actions’ effects upon every sentient being. You can only form an opinion based upon incomplete information. You can judge Google’s evil or goodness only from ignorance.

“Ignorance is charming in a question, pathetic in opinion.” ~ The Barking Unicorn

Like every other thing which depends upon preceding things for its existence, your opinion will change constantly. Call Google “good” when you find what you seek, or your email comes and goes free of cost, or when you track down that company that ripped you off and then pulled the plug on its Web site. Call Google “evil” when the FBI comes calling about that forum comment regarding the President which you thought was posted anonymously.

But no matter what your ever-changing opinion of Google, it is always skillful at its greedy purpose and completely unskillful at eliminating suffering.

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What’s your opinion of that?

Twinbox does not work with Outlook Express; you need Outlook 2003 SP3 or 2007 SP1. Operating systems supported include Windows XP or Vista with the latest Service Packs. We find Twinbox works perfectly with Windows 7.

The developers at Techhit.com, makers of Twinbox and other Outlook productivity tools, really know their stuff! During installation, Twinbox seamlessly melds with Outlook to add several tools and windows to the main Outlook view. Twinbox’s operation is so similar to standard Outlook functions that it seems to have been built into the email client from the beginning. We’ve never had Outlook crash with “Twinbox plugin” blamed. (Not that Outlook never crashes, of course.) You’ll be up and Tweeting in no time, and you’ll stay that way. Software that simply works – what a concept!

Twinbox saves your Twitter username and password locally, so you needn’t worry about storing that info on someone else’s server. It logs in and out of Twitter each time you send or receive Tweets. Just like an email account. Tweets are handled just like email messages, too.

Tweets can be retrieved manually at any time or automatically at intervals set in minutes. A feature called Search/Track/Group works very much like Outlook Rules to sort and file Tweets in folders. It can be used to file a copy of your sent Tweets to a specified folder, a very useful record of what you’ve Tweeted. The search operators include interesting possibilities such as near:NYC within:15mi sent within 15 miles of “NYC”.  The one thing we haven’t figured out yet is how to send an unwanted type of Tweet directly to the Deleted Items folder so we never have to see #bobbyscarpelli again.

Tweets can be sorted for display by the “From” field which is the Tweeter’s name; chronologically; or by “Subject”, which is the body of a Tweet. A folder full of Tweets can be searched by keywords, retrieving that Tweet you received two months ago about kippers. Deleted Tweets go to the Deleted Items folder and are treated like any other deleted item.

You can “attach” files to Tweets with Twinbox! Actually, you can start a Tweet, select a file, and send the file to a file-sharing service such as Twitpic (for images). Twinbox uploads the file, creates a Tinyurl link to it, and adds that link to your Tweet. Then you send your Tweet. Sweet!

Tinyurl support is built into Twinbox. Paste any URL into a Tweet, click a button, and it’s shortened. It would be nice if Twinbox supported is.gd and other, even shorter URL-shorteners.

Twinbox also has a statistics feature that graphically and numerically displays all sorts of exciting info about your Twitter activity: in and out Tweets, who’s been wasting the most of your time, who you’ve been flirting with most, etc. It’s a good way to waste more time when you can’t think of anything to Tweet.

The one chronic irritation with Twinbox occurs when it cannot connect to Twitter servers readily. Then Twinbox hangs for an excessive period, and you can’t use Outlook for anything else until Twinbox gives up. We’d like to see an “abort connection attempt” button, please.

But overall, Twinbox is simply marvelous, painless, high–powered Tweeting for Outlook users. You want this one!

On Aug. 18, I emailed links to my two previous postings about Mr. Peter Ossian to three Corporate Communications contacts I found on the bank’s Web site, suggesting that one of them might want to have a glance. Receiving no response, I emailed them all again early on August 20, adding that the links are being automatically broadcast “every single day” to all of my Twitter followers and the followers of the tennis match that Bank of the West sponsors.  Later that day, I got a response of sorts.

At 11:47 a.m., my phone rang and displayed an unfamiliar number. I let the call go to voice mail, as is my policy with callers I do not recognize. This caller left voice mail, and here is what she said:

“Hello, Mr. Hakala, this is Selene Hall. I’m the region manager with Bank of the West. Mr. John Stafford forwarded to me a copy of the letter that you sent to one of our branch managers, and indicated that you were upset with Bank of the West. So I wanted to give you a call and discuss the incident with you and see just what was going on and what I could do. So you can give me a call…”

It seems unlikely that Stafford copied only one of my two letters from my blog, pasted it into an email, and sent that to Ms. Hall. The natural thing he would have done was to hit “forward” on my email and send it to her. The forwarded email would include my email address and links to both letters.

The letters lay forth “what was going on” in exquisite detail. I stated quite plainly in my second letter what could be done to spare Mr. Ossian undesirable karma and preserve my 16 year-old relationship with the bank. There seems no need for Ms. Hall and I to “discuss the incident”.

All she has to do is call Ossian,  her subordinate, and tell him what to do. That’s what region managers are paid to do and I don’t see why I should get involved. But I returned Ms. Hall’s call as a matter of courtesy, at 11:51 a.m, four minutes after she called me.

I got voicemail, of course. So I left a message advising Ms. Hall that I would soon be out running errands and suggesting that we correspond via email.

It is now 24 hours later, and I have not heard anything further from Ms. Hall.

Stafford:  Well, I done my job.

Hall: Well, I done my job.

Me:  Well, no, people, you haven’t done your jobs yet.

Mr. Stafford, you have not done your job of averting a PR blemish for the bank by passing the buck to Ms. Hall. Thirty more people joined my Twitter following yesterday. The frequency of my automatic Tweets shaming Bank of the West is now increased to twice a day. I’ve added a third auto-Tweet to the mix, linking to this blog post. That’s a total of six times every single day that Bank of the West is being shamed on Twitter, which has over 4 million users.

Ms. Hall, you have not done your job of helping Mr. Ossian do his job (instead of sitting in a court room for half a day) by making one phone call after failing to read the information available to you, and then supposing it’s the customer’s fault if he does not chase you down in return.

Email me now, Ms. Hall, but only if something about “the incident” is not perfectly clear to you after you actually read both of my letters. I do not wish to talk with you, but I will correspond with you to help you do your job.

However, if things are as clear as I so painstakingly tried to make them, then go talk to Mr. Ossian without imposing upon me further. Only he can make his karma.

Mr. Peter Ossain
Bank of the West
2720 S. Colorado Blvd. # 700
Denver CO 80222

August 18, 2009

Re: Checking account # #########

Mr. Ossian:

I have a letter “in response to (my) request as to why fees were incurred” on the account named above between July 17 and July 21. First, I shall address the letter’s business style deficiencies:

1. It is undated.
2. It is unsigned. Just “Bank of the West, University Hills”

“Manners require time, and there is nothing more vulgar than haste,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson. You don’t want to appear vulgar, do you, Mr. Ossian? I’m sure Bank of the West does not want you to appear vulgar on its behalf, as you do right now on my blog and Twitter. Henceforth, take time to write a business letter with manners and proper style.

I have no interest in your dealings with Visa and the “holds process”. I am interested only in when and how many times my account held insufficient funds to cover the charges I made. Here is my record:

As you can see, my balance fell below zero only once. A fee was charged for that incident July 17 and then waived, as your reply admits. Therefore, my current balance should be -3.22 and not -$75.22 as it stands now.

Looking at my account history online, it appears that things happened in this way from your perspective:

An overdraft fee was charged on July 17. I called to question that charge on July 17. It was reversed on July 20 and then two new fees were added. It is clear to me what you did.

You waived the July 17 fee because it was plainly unwarranted; my account balance was positive $7.46.

You then played around with your “holds process” gibberish until you found a way to punish me for daring to challenge the original, incorrectly charged fee.

That shall not stand, sir.

When the unwarranted fees of $72.00 are removed from my account, I will pay the deficit of $3.22. We will then close this account and I will deal with your branch no more.

The alternative is what I described in my letter dated July 17.

Sincerely,

David Hakala

I’ve been a customer of Bank of the West since February, 1993, when it was known as Commercial Federal Bank. I’ve enjoyed a long and cordial relationship with this bank. But it may end July 30.

The reason it may end lies in the Denver University Hills branch, where I have had an account for perhaps three years. The people there are dour; hapless; unhelpful; and unresponsive, as the letter below indicates.

The downtown California Street branch, in contrast, is staffed by the most exemplary employees. I have another account there and visit it regularly. Today, when I asked young Jake if he knew the University branch manager’s name, he not only rattled it right off but volunteered the branch’s address and phone number.

Namaste’ to Jake, Taylor, Rebecca, and the manager who sets such a fine example for them, Aaron! I will miss them all if Mr. Peter Ossian of the University branch does not mend his ways.

Mr. Peter Ossain
Bank of the West
2720 S. Colorado Blvd. # 700
Denver CO 80222

August 17, 2009

Re: Checking account # #########

Mr. Ossian:

My account was charged $72.00 in unspecified “fee” on July 21. I called your toll-free number on July 22, requesting a written explanation of this event. I was assured it would arrive within 10 days.

Instead, I received a letter essentially saying “pay up or we’ll close all your accounts and report you to the credit agencies”. It was unsigned and there was no option to respond.

Naturally, I found another financial institution in which to keep my money at once.

I then called your branch and explained the foregoing to the woman who answered. I again requested a written accounting of these charges. She said she was going to put me on hold while she looked for a manager. I explained that I did not have time to wait an indeterminate period on hold or to repeat myself, and asked her to give to the manager my very simple, reasonable message: send a written explanation of the charges. I bid her good day and hung up.

Instead of the requested explanation, I received an identical copy of the first, anonymous threat.

Having failed to move you with polite, reasonable requests, I now resort to other tactics. Here is what will happen if I do not receive a written, detailed, perfectly unambiguous explanation of why you think you are entitled to $72.00 in time to avert the consequences you threatened:

You will be summoned to small claims court. Not Bank of the West, sir; you, personally.

If you do not appear, I will win a default judgment and pursue all the credit reporting and collection measures with which you threatened me.

If you do appear, then you will spend enough tedious, unproductive time in court to write at least a score of letters such as I am requesting. You will explain these charges or be held in contempt of court.

I await your response, or your passive acceptance of your karma, with a serene lack of preference.

Namaste’

David Hakala

I didn’t know a damned thing about Windows NT 1.0 when I was told to write a “sneak preview” of it back in the 1980s, my first freelance assignment. I never laid eyes on Windows NT 1.0, I relied upon “secondary sources”. I emailed the finished work and its invoice. Then my editor called, and I cringed.

But instead of calling me out on some error that obviously proved I didn’t know what I was talking about, Vic said,

“This is perfect! It’s exactly the kind of mystical bullshit that makes people think they’re reading a quality publication!”

We did business for many years.